So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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