Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
