We're facebook friends in real life
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
