Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
