Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
