She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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