I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
