I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
