i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
