What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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