i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
As shirtless as possible
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
