420 ftw
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
