Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
