even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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