Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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