just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
