some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
