My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
