My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
