When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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