so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
