the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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