Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
