He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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