yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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