I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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