woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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