I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
