I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
A bitchslap is in order.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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