When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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