I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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