Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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