he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
