So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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