I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
