just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
