My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
