May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
