What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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