i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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