i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
