Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
