hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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