Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
