Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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