My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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