I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
