2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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