The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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