cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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