dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
