I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
